An Epitaph or An Epithet

Help me welcome Slim Randles as today’s Wednesday’s Guest. He has another fun story from the guys down at the Mule Barn Truck Stop. You just never know what the gang is going to talk about and this conversation is full of toads and spuds and pirates. Read along and enjoy some pie and coffee with the nonsense, er fun. Hurry before the ice-cream melts.

“Salamander sandwiches and great Grecian toads!” said Dud, lurching into his never-really-assigned position at the Mule Barn truck stop’s philosophy counter and world dilemma think tank.

Mavis stood there holding the pot of Farmer Brothers coffee as she waited for Dud to flip his coffee mug to the correct upright position.

“You want some coffee before the toads are done?” she asked.

“Sure,” Dud said, laughing. “Just practicing my epithets.”

Mavis poured. “When you die you want toads and salamanders on your headstone?”

“No, no, no,” Dud said, in what we’d come to learn was his quasi-professorial tone. “Not an epitaph. An epithet, dear lady, is a spontaneous outburst, a grand flinging of words to the wild ether that is the very air we breathe …”

He talks like that sometimes.

“… an expression of polysyllabic perfection designed to both stun and impress those within hearing range.”

Doc looked at me. “I’m sufficiently stunned.”

“Me, too.”

Mavis filled everyone’s cups. “Going to be one of those mornings, I guess.”

“Let’s get this straight,” said Doc. “To stun and impress people and amaze everyone on our block, we have to talk about salamanders?”

“Of course not, Doc,” said Dud. “It could be anything. Now I’ve just been gathering up a few of those for use later on, you see, to be used when a great epithet is called for. Let’s say I walk in here one morning and you tell me the river went over its banks last night and is flooding the south valley. That would be a good time to use salamander sandwiches and great Grecian toads, you see.”

“I see. The salamanders and toads because they both like water and the river overflowed, and…”

I could see the twinkle in Doc’s eye.

“No,” said Dud, “although you do have a good point there. But you could just as easily use an epithet like … ‘Well, put Bluebeard’s potatoes in a sack’!”

Doc looked at me. “Doesn’t have the same stunning effect as salamander sandwiches.”

I nodded.

“How about ‘Dear Aunt Tillie’s sainted hairnet.”

“Better than Bluebeard’s spuds, I think.”

Mavis looked at us and said “Stunning.”


Dave Marash’s in-depth HERE & THERE podcasts keep you hooked on today’s big news. Listen on

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Slim Randles writes a nationally syndicated column, “Home Country” that is featured in 380 newspapers across the country. He is also the author of a number of books including  Saddle Up: A Cowboy Guide to Writing. That title, and others, are published by  LPD Press. If you enjoy his columns here, you might want to check out the book Home Country. It features some of the best of the columns he has shared with us here.

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