Okay, two “I-knows” coming at you. First, I know I said I’d be gone for a couple of weeks, but since Slim Randles is here to entertain readers, it’s almost like I’m not here. Right?
Second, I know it’s after Christmas Day, so this story’s a little dated, but it’s priceless. Reminds me of when I asked for a drill for Christmas. I got one. 🙂
So grab a cookie or two and enjoy…
When it comes to romantic flops, it’s hard to beat ol’ Dud. He and Anita have been married for about five years now, but sometimes we question why she puts up with him. He has all the courtship skills of a flea collar.
“Dud Campbell,” Anita said the other night, “what are you getting me for Christmas?”
“Now Honey, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?”
“That means you haven’t bought it yet, doesn’t it?”
“Well, I won’t say I have and I won’t say I haven’t, but, uh, don’t get in that cupboard out in the garage now…”
“I won’t, Dud,” she said, purring.
Ten minutes later, Dud was flipping his coffee cup upright and sliding into his place in the line of scrimmage at the philosophy counter of the Mule Barn truck stop.
“I’m dead meat, guys,” he said.
We inquired as to why this emotional putrefaction should be setting in, and he said, “I don’t have anything for Anita for Christmas and I have no idea what to get her.”
“Let’s look at this scientifically for a moment,” said Steve. “What kinda stuff does she like?”
“Uh … well … “
“You don’t know, do you?” said Doc.
“Not a clue.”
“Does she read? You can pick up a couple of books.”
“I don’t really know. I never really paid attention.”
“Does she knit?”
“I got it,” said Herb Collins. “You can get her a gift certificate to a store and let her pick out her own gift.”
“She said if I ever did anything so insensitive, she’d brain me with a skillet.”
So Dud headed home, only to find the garage door open and Anita standing there holding his brand-new Homelite XL Chainsaw. He only had time enough to mumble “Our father…” when Anita set it down gently and flung herself in his arms.
“Oh Honey, how did you know I wanted a Homelite XL with automatic oiler and a 16-inch bar? I couldn’t help myself. I looked in the cupboard and found it. It’s just what I’ve always wanted.”
“Well, Darlin’,” Dud said in his most debonair voice, “I do try to be sensitive to your needs.”
Brought to you by the Homelite XL Chainsaw, which fended off the Alaska cold for ten years for this family. Found at Home Depot and Wal-Mart.
Check out all of Slim’s award-winning books at his Goodreads Page and in better bookstores and bunkhouses throughout the free world.
All of the posts here are from his syndicated column, Home Country that is read in hundreds of newspapers across the country. I am always happy to have him share his wit and wisdom here.
Slim Randles is a veteran newspaperman, hunting guide, cowboy and dog musher. He was a feature writer and columnist for The Anchorage Daily News for 10 years and guided hunters in the Alaska Range and the Talkeetna Mountains. A resident of New Mexico now for more than 30 years, Randles is the prize-winning author of a dozen books, and is host of two podcasts and a television program.