It tried to be spring here in my corner of Texas the other day. Temperature got all the way up to 73 degrees and the daffodils decided it was time to poke their pretty little heads up to bask in the sunshine.
Windy Wilson is my guest today – brought to you by the humor columnist Slim Randles. Slim sure finds some interesting characters to write about down at the Mule Barn Truck Stop. Most of them speak much clearer than good ol’ Windy who hasn’t found a word he couldn’t massacre. Still, his visits are always worth a chuckle or two.
Enjoy…
Wellsir … ol’ Dud did ‘er again, he shore ‘nuf did. This here’s Alphonse Wilson, known around these parts as Windy Wilson, esquire, LTD and DDT at your service as always. Free to you and worth every blessed dime.
See … t’other day I got into a little chat with Dud Campbell, and he says to me that I need to get me one a-them computers so I can be moderate like ever’body else. Had the nerve to just come out and say that!
Well, friend, that’s when I made a big mistake. I asked him what I needed to get the ol’ ball rolling and I should’ve shut ‘er down right then. Yessir, your ol’ pal Alphonse occasional makes mistakes.
Now you can dip my hat in sheep dip and paint Mary Lou’s name on the barn with it if he didn’t obsolete hisself right into a foreign language!
Didn’t have nothin’ to write with, so here’s what he said, near as I recollect:
I need a cloud, he said. A cloud stores stuff.
Well … shore it does! It stores rain!
But he said no, a cloud isn’t in the computer, but floats around somewhere and you get to it by buying an app.
Well sir, I ‘splained to Dud that apps are okay, but I’ve always pressurized my priorities ‘long Quarter Horse lines. Told him them spots don’t make the horse go any faster. He started wavin’ his arms then, and said I get these apps with a mouse.
And he ‘spects me to believe that?!!!
Right!!
Had a app oncet. Nice big ol’ Appaloosa he was, too. But ugly? I was tellin’ Dud about him. Them apps today are pretty horses, but back when I was younger, they all looked like they needed to pull manure carts. It’s a fact.
Why this old pony I had … I hate to admit this … but his ol’ head was the size of a door, and you could stick his butt in a bottle!
So I think mebbe I’ll just use the computer down at the library for a while. Nice girl down there helps me out with it.
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Slim wants to encourage everyone to “say thank you to the nice girl down at your library who helps old guys with the computer, will you?”
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Check out all of Slim’s award-winning books at his Goodreads Page and in better bookstores and bunkhouses throughout the free world.
All of the posts here are from his syndicated column, Home Country that is read in hundreds of newspapers across the country. I am always happy to have him share his wit and wisdom here.
Slim Randles is a veteran newspaperman, hunting guide, cowboy and dog musher. He was a feature writer and columnist for The Anchorage Daily News for 10 years and guided hunters in the Alaska Range and the Talkeetna Mountains. A resident of New Mexico now for more than 30 years, Randles is the prize-winning author of a dozen books, and is host of two podcasts and a television program.