Fun With Resolutions

First, a comment for those Republican senators who are going to try to block the results  of the electoral college vote. That’s a ill-conceived idea. An embarrassment to this country. A total waste of government time. The election is over. Accept that and let’s move on. Please!!!

Okay. Just had to get that off my chest. Now I’m going to share an older post again. This one was written in 2014 and was taken from a column I wrote back when I did that regularly for a Dallas suburban newspaper. The flowers have nothing to do with the post. They were quite a surprise when I went on my morning walk a few days ago. They popped up in the same area where I see the spring lilies by an abandoned house, but I’d never seen these before. Maybe they’re a winter lily?

     Normally, when it came to New Year’s resolutions, I tried not to demand too much of myself, preferring to do something simple like giving up escargot. But one year, in the interest of strengthening my character, I decided it was time to exercise a little self-discipline when it came to writing my humor column and stretching the truth just a bit. I swear it had nothing to do with the strange dream I had the week prior.
     In the dream, a cloudy apparition hovered over the foot of my bed and called my name, “Maryann MilIerrrrr.”
     “Wha … Who me?”
     “Yes, you.”
     “Who are you? What do you want?”
     ”I’m the ghost of columns past.”
     “Right. And I’m Erma Bombeck.”
     “Tis not a moment for levity. You have much to account for this night.”
     “Like what?”
     “How about your indiscriminate use of poetic license?”
     “It’s not indiscriminate. I work very hard at it.”
     “Aha! So you admit to lying in your column.”
     “Well… not exactly lying. I prefer to call it ‘stretching the truth.”
     “And how do you think your family and friends feel about this?”
     “They understand.”
     “Oh, yeah? What about your friend, Mary? Do you know she was kicked out of the Gingerbread Hall of Fame after you credited her with your fiasco?”
     “I didn’t know that was going to happen. But you must admit it was a funny story. Honesty would have been very dull.”
     “So. Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’d do anything for a laugh?”
     “Well…almost anything.”
     “And you are going to persist?”
     “Of course. I’ve got job security to think about.”
     “In that case consider yourself warned. You might be sorry.”
      With that the hazy form disappeared, leaving me with much to ponder. Perhaps it was time to ease up a bit. So, I made a solemn vow never to poke fun at my friend, Mary, again …
     Well, maybe I would start the next week. First, I wanted to tell all my readers about the strange punch she used to make.

Have you made resolutions? How long do you normally stick to them? Yesterday at a local pie shop, the owner told a group of customers that she cuts way back on her pies in January because so many folks go on diets. She joked about how production always picks up in February. According to stats compiled by the University of Scranton, only 8% of people keep their resolutions. Wow, I thought the number would be higher.

 

Just for clarification, the visit to the pie shop was back in 2014. It was a wonderful shop in Winnsboro Ganny’s Pie Shop and she makes the best pies. I always did my best to keep her solvent through January until business picked back up.

 

The column about the resolutions was also incorporated into my humorous memoir, A Dead Tomato Plant & a Paycheck. The book has a chapter that covers all the holidays and the merriment that went on in the Miller household with each one.
Check it out.
Most of it’s the truth.
Okay, part of it.
Okay, just a smidgen of it. But it’s fun.

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