Do You Resolve?

On Friday, Slim Randles shared some of the New Year’s resolutions from the gang down at the Mule Barn Truck Stop. They were typical of the wry sense of humor most of the men have and quite fun to read.

That post prompted me to think of what my resolution might be, and since I couldn’t come up with one – not that I’m perfect and don’t need one, but I’ve been too busy to find time to sort through my shortcomings – I decided to share this excerpt from my humorous memoir, A Dead Tomato Plant & A Paycheck.

Join me in a delicious cup of homemade egg nog, courtesy of

Good with rum or brandy or without spirits.


As the last days of the year wound down, our thoughts turned to New Year’s Eve parties and the inevitable aftermath on New Year’s Day. I preferred going to someone else’s party as it was a lot easier to bring a snack to share then clean my whole house and prepare a bunch of food.. Plus, I needed time to think about my New Year’s resolution for the year.

Normally, when it came to New Year’s resolutions, I tried not to demand too much of myself, preferring to do something simple like giving up escargot. But one year, in the interest of strengthening my character, I decided it was time to exercise a little self-discipline. I swear it had nothing to do with the strange dream I had the week prior.

In the dream, a cloudy apparition hovered over the foot of my bed and called my name, “Maryann Millerrrrr.”

“Wha … Who me?”

“Yes, you.”

“Who are you? What do you want?”

”I’m the ghost of columns past.”

“Right. And I’m Erma Bombeck.”

“Tis not a moment for levity. You have much to account for this night.”

“Like what?”

“How about your indiscriminate use of poetic license?”

“It’s not indiscriminate. I work very hard at it.”

“Aha! So you admit to lying in your column.”

“Well… not exactly lying. I prefer to call it ‘stretching the truth. ‘”

“And how do you think your family and friends feel about this?”

“They understand.”

“Oh, yeah? What about your friend, Mary? Do you know she was kicked out of the Gingerbread Hall of Fame after you credited her with your fiasco?”

“I didn’t know that was going to happen. But you must admit it was a funny story. Honesty would have been very dull.”

“So. Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’d do anything for a laugh?”

“Well…almost anything.”

“And you’re going to persist?”

“Of course. I’ve got job security to think about.”

“In that case consider yourself warned. Persisting might not be in your best interests.”

With that, the hazy form disappeared, leaving me with much to ponder. Perhaps it was time to ease up a bit.

So, I made a solemn vow never to poke fun at my friend, Mary, again …

Well, maybe I’d start the week after next. First, I wanted to tell all my readers about the strange punch she used to make.

I hope you enjoyed this excerpt, and do let me know if you have formed a resolution or two for the coming New Year. What are your plans for New Year’s Eve? Will you be partying? Whatever the plans are, be happy. Be safe. See you next year.

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