Green, Green Grass

Please welcome our funny friend, Slim Randles as today’s Wednesday’s Guest. This piece resonates with me as I have often wondered the “why” of lawns and lawn care. Enjoy. And if you like what Slim shares here, you might enjoy his book, Home Country, which is a collection of his essays. Great gift for Father’s Day.

It’s idolatry, pure and simple. Why else would millions of men spend billions of dollars each year on something that simply takes work and means time away from having fun with friends and family?

It’s worship. Worship of tiny little plants invading our yards.  It’s lawn-o-mania.

Since man first invented the yard, he’s wanted it to look just like everyone else’s, and has donated years of his life and portions of his fortune to accomplish this. He’s polluted the air with power-mower fumes, used up enough fresh water in his devotion to enable us to grow vegetables in Saudi Arabia, and has neglected his family enough to warrant locking him away.

 Let’s face it; the plague of locusts in ancient Egypt couldn’t bring him to his knees in prayer, but a plague of nut grass or dandelions will leave him nearly prostrate on a hot summer’s day.

If it isn’t a religion, why else would people spend money to buy stuff in a bag to put on a lawn to make it grow faster so it has to be mowed more often?

Now if this were a practical lawn, it would make some sense. We’d fertilize it, encourage it to grow quickly and thickly, turn water on it to help in the process, turn cattle on it to mow it, and then barbecue the cows.

But to grow grass just to cut it down? Try telling that to a class in logic down at Jerry Hat Trick Junior College and see how far you get.

So this time of year, take a look at your neighbor out there whacking down healthy grass that is simply trying to do what he tells it to. Try to appreciate the sweat and work it takes to keep millions of tiny plants from realizing their potential. But forgive him, as he is a faithful follower of green expanses and garages full of gear. He is, in his way, lighting candles to Saint Briggs and Saint Stratton and praying against the onset of cutworms.

Faith is a powerful force.

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9 thoughts on “Green, Green Grass”

  1. When we moved into our home, we attempted to grow grass. It wasn’t long before we gave up. But nature took over and gave us a green lush lawn. ‘Course, it’s green weeds, but the deer and rabbits love it, so we’re happy. And when I say rabbits, I’m talking BIG ones. Huge jack rabbits.

  2. With our last move in March (four moves in three years) we opted for a condo and no more lawn care. I couldn’t be happier and smile every time I see the guy mow the lawn. Just not my problem anymore!

  3. I’m glad I am not alone in my aversion to a well-manicured lawn. One of the reasons I was thrilled to move out here in the country was not having to deal with the expectations that are there in suburban living. I do have to mow my front pasture area and some around the house, but that greenery matches yours, Helen. Sometimes I tie my horse to a tree and he munches that down for me. Saves gas. LOL

  4. When my wife and I were looking at houses in Las Cruces (moving from Massachusetts), my one and only non-negotiable demand was that we not have a lawn. Instead, we have decorative gravel surrounding a tree and some desert plants. I ain’t mowin’ no stinkin’ lawn ever again.

  5. so true! and worse yet, we nurture that gas-guzzling, time-sucking, green lawn with perfectly good drinking water, when there is less and less of it to go around for say… human consumption. Then again, Jesus turned perfectly good water into wine… Speaking of Jesus, I wonder what his destiny would have held if he had grass to mow? Sorry, off-topic 😉

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