Monday Funday

Since the news is filled with distressing reports from parts of the world where wars are raging. Not to mention the mess in Washington D.C. that is pretending to be governing us here in the States, I thought some levity would lift all our spirits. So here are some jokes that a friend recently sent me. She is the same friend who sends me clever, funny memes, the following one included.

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

Sorry I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to!

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take just one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side-effects is bad for you.

I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date. So tonight after dinner I’m dropping her off at her parent’s house.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”

Officer, “Keep it. When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches.

He said, “I’ll see,” & walked away. I asked another & he also said, “I’ll see,” & walked away. In the end, I gave up & found them myself, in Aisle C.

I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the ‘Wizard of Oz’ & wonder how someone could talk if they didn’t have a brain. Then I got Facebook.

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Continuing the frivolity, here’s a fun story from Slim Randles and his buddy Windy Wilson.

 Alphonse Wilson here, you know … yore pal Windy?  And I’m here to set the record straight, once and forever more, on turkeys.

Now for those folks out there who think a turkey is something hot and brown and tasty and is full of stuffing, this here’ll come as a shock. You see, before he becomes a tasteful delicacity, the turkey is a big ol’ bird who lives in the woods, or on a farm, and ain’t too awful smart, neither.

Iffen a turkey was smart, we’d probably have to eat vegetables for Thanksgiving.

Now that’s a fact. Truth be told, if you had a big ol’ dial thingie with Alfred Linestein on one end of the smart meter … you know, like to measure who is the intellectual prairie fire and who ain’t? … wellsir, at the very other end of that dial you’d have a flat brown rock, and then, ‘way off in the distance … the other side of the rock, there’d be a turkey.

And that there turkey’d be there all by hisself, too. So you might think he’d get kinda lonesome out there all solitaried, right? Nossir. That’s ‘cause he ain’t smart enough to get lonesome.

Ain’t but two things a turkey can do proper, folks. Just two, and you can take this to the blank, too.

For one thing, he companionizes right well with cranberry sauce twice or once a year. Yes he does.

And for another? Well, he just might make a likely candidate for the United States Congress of America!

And you can tell ‘em I said so.

This year, disguise your turkey as something that doesn’t taste as good. You know, like a porcupine, or squash. Ideas at www.simpleeverydaymom.com

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“Book banners, after all, insist that the entire community should see things their way, and only their way. When a book is banned, a whole set of thoughts is locked behind the assertion that there is only one valid set of beliefs, one valid perception of the world. It’s a scary idea, especially in a society which has been built on the ideas of free choice and free thought.” Stephen King