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Friday’s Funnies

Posted by mcm0704 on May 13, 2016 |

A FEW JOKES TO START THE WEEKEND OFF WITH A CHUCKLE OR TWO

man-laughing

 

A photographer on vacation in the US was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed an old fashioned telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call’.

Being intrigued, he asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The photographer thanked the priest and went along his way.

Upon leaving Vermont he decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same old fashioned telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’50 cents per call.’

phone call

Surprised he asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same old fashioned telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, ‘You’re in Canada now, son …. it’s a local call.’

KEEP SMILING

“Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartare sauce with you!”

GROWING OLD IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” And that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied: “Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

I’ve sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth, I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes , I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week”

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

That’s it for me, folks. If you have a favorite joke do share it in the comments. Have a great weekend.

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