Friday’s Odds and Ends

One of the things I didn’t miss on my vacation was the nightly news. Through social media and tidbits of news during breakfast at the motels, I did know about the tragedy in Nepal and other items of importance, but I didn’t have to listen to the nightly news reporters and anchors giving their spin on things. And I really didn’t miss the inane news items like Deflategate; the absurd name the media has given to the controversy over the under-inflated footballs used in the Super Bowl. Were they not inflated to the proper pressure? Was that on purpose? Did Tom Brady ask the staff for footballs with less pressure? There is still a lot of conjecture and an extensive Wells Report is not conclusive. According to an article by Chris Chase in USA Today Sports, it is “possible” that Tom Brady had some part in a cheat, but there is no proof.

Of course it’s a disappointment if the allegations are true. Cheating should not be a part of sports, or anything else for that matter, and if Brady was complicit, shame on him. However, that all pales in comparison to the terrible tragedies of earthquakes, accidents, and senseless deaths at the hands of others. Could we keep things in persepctive?

Just for fun I thought I’d post this picture of a silly horse. This was outside a shop in Keystone, South Dakota, and I couldn’t resist taking a picture. At first I thought it was one of those horses for pony rides we used to see outside some stores. Anyone but me remember those? But it turned out to just be a bit of fanciful art. Unfortunately, could not get an artist’s name.

silly horse

Friday’s Funnies

First, this is from Bizarro by Dan Picaro

A  television show is about to start and an announcer is giving the live audience instructions. On the wall behind him are signs that read: whistle, laugh, applaud, giggle, sniff, gasp, hoot, sigh…

The announcer says, “Now remember- nothing the performers do will even REMOTELY resemble comedy or entertainment of any kind, so play CLOSE ATTENTION to these signs.”

Now a few jokes:

A man went to his lawyer and said, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”

The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”

The man looked somewhat upset and said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!”

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client, the lawyer wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…”Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don’t bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!”

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, “How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?”

“I’m from the phone company. I’m here to connect your phone.”

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from an accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer questioned Farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…….”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”

“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He heard Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – how are you feeling?”

Prosecutor : What were you doing on July 15th at 9 o’clock in the evening ?
Prisoner : I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor : What were you doing at 9:30 p.m. ?
Prisoner : I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor : Do you expect us to believe you ?
Prisoner : You would if you’d eaten one of those hamburgers.

Writing Wisdom

“Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”
Sir Winston Churchill

“Never underestimate the intelligence of your audience.”
Jon Scieszka

“Though I write a lot, and love to write, it never seems to come with ease.”

“I always do the first line well, but I have trouble with the others.”

That will do it for me. Do come back on Sunday for a book review. Let me know which joke you liked best. I was rather fond of Bessie.

2 thoughts on “Friday’s Odds and Ends”

  1. Hi Maryann — I recently ranted about television news and journalistic integrity. They not only goof up the stories while trying to incite violence, but they also skip coverage of stories they don’t think are sensational enough. It’s hard to find good solid reporting of the news.

    Funny lawyer jokes — I laughed out loud at the punchline of “I’m fine.”

    1. Reporting is no longer what it was when I was working for newspapers and magazines, Patricia. I hate to even call myself a journalist anymore. (smile)

      I thought the joke about Bessie was hilarious, too. Glad you enjoyed it.

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