Ladies and gentlemen,
Are you tired of hearing about banks going under? Are you worried about whether or not your money is safe in your Home Town Bank? Are you wishing for just a small share of the $700 billion Congress is voting on to keep banking CEOs (who caused this mess in the first place) from losing their luxury cars and ocean-front homes?
If you are, then copy and paste the following letter, change it up however you like, send it to whomever you think will listen, and maybe YOU TOO can sew yourself a nice little Golden Parachute.
Dear Mr. President,
I recently made a mistake in my finances by purchasing too many non-essential items through my credit card, without having the money to pay for them. Yes, at the time I thought I desperately needed the 52 inch Plasma HD Flat Screen TV with the optional Dolby Surround Sound for my living room, but I realize now I could have settled for the 48 inch TV instead.
Needless to say, that, and a whole lot of other purchases just like it, has caused me and my family to be in dire need of financial assistance. Without your help, my kids will go without new shoes for the year, I’ll have to drive my brand new Prius instead of my brand new Hummer because of gas prices, I will have to switch from the 275-channel cable service to the basic service, and my goats will have to eat the $10 feed instead of the better $25 feed.
With my spending down to uncomfortable levels, I feel this will cause undue stress on local businesses who rely on my spending habits. And if they fail, all of Main Street will fail — and so goes the country.
Wall Street CEOs made bad financial decisions throughout the years, just like me, and you’ll soon be bailing them out to the tune of $700 billion. All I need is a measly $20,000. That’s like a drop in the bucket compared to $700 billion — and not even a FULL drop. More like a 128th of a drop.
I know you will make the right decision and not let my poor family suffer unduly for the mistakes I’ve made. I’m not asking for a Golden Parachute, but a Silver one would sure help out.
Mr. President, with your assistance, I will learn from my mistakes and never, ever let it happen again — cross my heart and hope to die; stick a needle in my eye.