Here’s another guest blog from my funny friend Tracy Farr. If he ever stops writing these, I will be in trouble when I don’t have anything to blog about.
I hate to admit it, but I’m a liar. I would say I’m a big, fat liar, but that would also be a lie. I’m more of a short and chunky liar – not that there’s much difference.
What have a lied about recently? Well, it’s possible that a couple of weeks ago I implied that I might have taken down my Christmas tree, packed it away, never to be seen again until Christmas ’09, and I did it during halftime of the Super Bowl. Well, I didn’t actually watch the Super Bowl, and I didn’t actually take down my tree.
Actually, there’s no “actually” about it. I didn’t do either.
You see, when you’re such a cheapskate like I am – a cheapskate who refuses to shell out big bucks for cable or satellite, just to watch a whole lot of nothing on a 25-year-old analog TV that’s about to die a digital death, and you’re to cheap to buy a “new and improved” TV that will probably only last a couple of years because they don’t make ‘em like they used to – well, people think you’re nuts. And then when you add to the mix not watching the Super Bowl, they KNOW you’re nuts and seem to steer clear of you whenever you’re around.
There’s only one more thing a person needs in order to be eligible for a one-way ticket to the Funny Farm: being the only person alive on the planet who still has their Christmas tree up – in February. So, I lied about it – which makes it all downright pathetic.
And I know exactly what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, “I don’t know how his family puts up with that.” “Do you think his kids know they have a nut job for a father?” “It can’t be hereditary because his parents are good people who have cable and have all their Christmas stuff up in the attic.” “I’ve always wondered why Robert’s girlfriend, Rachel, never stops by to visit – and now I know.” “You don’t think it’s catching, do you?” “Most likely not, but I’d wash my hands if I were you.”
Well, you probably won’t believe me (and I don’t blame you), but I spent this past Saturday taking down the Christmas tree – ornaments and all. I’d show you a picture to prove it, but you’d probably think I doctored it somehow.
Anyways, I know this is a lousy excuse for a story, but I’ve heard confession is good for the soul. And now that I’ve confessed, I feel a lot better! Don’t you?
The Daily Spittoon — Done completely by hand!