Some Thursday Fun

A friend sent me these quips, and I laughed when I read them. They are quite clever. The author was not cited in the message, but since I’m not making any money by sharing them – unless someone wants to send me five bucks 🙂 – here they are for you to enjoy. But first, a kitty.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago
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Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.
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Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.
~ ~ ~
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
~ ~ ~
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
~ ~ ~
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say ‘nothing,’ it doesn’t mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
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Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
~ ~ ~
I run like the winded.
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I hate it when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
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I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.
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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles in a bucket of glue.
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
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That moment when you walk into a spider’s web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
~ ~ ~
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

I could relate to too many of those quips, and the one about spending thirty-seconds in my head would make someone pause if I was deep thinking about a murder scene for one of my books. In fact, that happened one day when I was walking in the mall with a friend, and I got the story idea for my police-procedural mystery, Open Season. The owners of the shopping mall let people come in before stores opened to get some exercise, and Marie and I walked almost every morning. One day, when we were on the lower level, going down a shadowy spoke of a hallway, I said, “Man. Someone could be hiding down here and we wouldn’t even know it.”

Marie stopped walking for a moment and looked at me. “What an odd thought.”

While her voice said “odd” her expression said “What the hell are you thinking.”

“Don’t worry.” I smiled. “We’re safe. There are security guards who patrol.”

Still, I could tell she was a little uneasy, so we quickly went to the upper level that was aglow with lights.

When I got home, I couldn’t shake that thought I’d had at the mall, and slowly the concept of the murders took shape. Of course, I had a ton of research to do to see if it was realistic that someone could hide in some dark corner of the mall and not be detected. That was the trickiest part of the research, and, thankfully, the mall security officers were willing to give me facts and details to make the scenario believable.

There was a lot of other work to do before the book became what it is today, and I’ll share that in another blog post on another day. Right now, I need to scoot on out of here to do some editing for a client.

Open Season is only .99 for Kindle and Kindle Apps, and it’s also an audio book. If you like police-procedural mysteries, you’ll like this book that Publisher’s Weekly compared favorably to those by Robin Burcell. Since she is one of my favorite authors, I was blown away when I saw that review. She’s teamed up with Clive Cussler on a new series. If you enjoy his rollicking adventure stories, you’re sure to like these new ones that feature a husband and wife team of crime-fighters and treasure hunters.

That’s it until Monday, folks. I’ll be working on that editing job and hopefully have time over the weekend just to play a bit. Play is good. Whatever you have planned for the weekend, be safe. Be happy. And have some fun.