Too Cold For Ice Cream?

Here’s another funny one from my friend, Tracy Farr…. Check him and the band out at Stinky Creek

Someone actually said to me the other day that it was too cold to have Ice Cream. In that instant, I no longer doubted that space aliens have visited Earth; that they have conducted vicious and vile experiments on members of our population; and those experiments have turned normal, intelligent people into completely useless slugs.

Too cold for Ice Cream? Is that even proper English? Isn’t there some rule about not ending a sentence with “ice cream” unless it’s preceded by the phrase, “Would you like a bowl of…”?

Saying it is too cold for Ice Cream is like saying it’s “too hot to go swimming,” or saying you’re “too sick to go to the doctor,” or saying “I’m too cheap to buy a new digital TV that televises the same old junk but in high-definition.” (Hmmm…I’ll cogitate on that one for a moment while you go look up the word “cogitate”)

You may think I’m nuts – join the club; they have monthly meetings – but I totally believe that Ice Cream will be the No. 1 commodity that will keep our economy afloat.

Point No. 1 – American auto executives have spent quite a bit of time in front of congressional hearings asking for money to help keep their companies viable. Have you seen Ben & Jerry knocking on White House doors, begging for cash? Heavens no!

Point No. 2 – Viacom has let go 850 employees; Target 1,500; AT&T has slashed 12,000 jobs. How many Jersey Cows have you seen standing in an unemployment line because Blue Bell gave them the pink slip? Zippo!

Point No. 3 – Goodies has recently closed stores; Starbucks is scaling back; Circuit City has filed for bankruptcy; and banks all over the world are scrambling to keep their doors open and their investments sound. Has Baskin-Robbins made any announcements about reducing the number of flavors they offer? C’mon, you know the answer to that one.

Everything from electronics, to cars, the housing market, retirement plans, travel, and pizza delivery has been affected in one way or the other by the recent downturn in our economy. It’s Ice Cream that has remained strong and growing, and it is Ice Cream that is now the safest investment in these troubled times.

So, my fellow Americans, you can sit on your duffs and let your life savings burn off like morning fog if you want to, but as for me, I’m cashing in my portfolio and sinking my dividends right smack in the middle of a gallon carton of Double Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. It might be a bit messy, but I’ll know my money is in the safest place on the planet.

The Daily Spittoon — We’ll never ask for a government bailout!