In many states across the U.S., kids are starting school already, or getting ready for classes to begin in a couple of weeks. At least their parents are getting them ready to go back to school. The kids might not be so anxious to let go of the lazy summer days.
When I wrote a humor column for the Plano Star Courier many moons ago, several stories were about school days. Then the columns were compiled into a humorous memoir A Dead Tomato Plant and a Paycheck.
The first edition was recently updated with new content, professional editing, and fun new cover. This revised edition releases August 28, and is on preorder for only .99. After that, the e-book will be $3.99.
Enjoy this excerpt and consider grabbing a copy, or two or three. 🙂
“The Devil Wears Prada” meets Erma Bombeck in this humorous memoir that tells all the secrets of the Miller family. Not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
What on earth do a dead tomato plant and a paycheck have in common? Maryann Miller explores the fun and foibles of how to survive parenting a large family, while vainly keeping body and mind intact. From School Daze to Summertime Blues, and everything in between, the book airs the Miller laundry with all the holes and missing buttons.
She answers important family questions such as: What’s for dinner? Who wrote the dirty words on the wall? Can we really pee in the woods? Do the kids really like the dog better than Mom? Readers of the humor column, from which this books comes, delighted in The Great Lasagna Caper, the fits of tantrum that demolished a telephone, The Lawn Wars, who is and who isn’t Socially Acceptable, and the crazy dinnertime conversations.
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When my kids were young, one of the biggest milestones in my life was when I had all five of them in school.
All. Day. Long.
At times, I’d worried that the day would never come, and nary a pang of remorse did I feel as I packed my poor little first grader off for his first full day of school. I waited around for a week and a half for the remorse to set in. (I’d been assured by experts that it would.)
But it didn’t.
There was something so joyfully freeing about not being tied to the kindergarten schedule that I had no time for remorse. That first week and a half of school I lived with wild and reckless abandon.
I ate lunch whenever I felt like it.
I left a cookie on the counter all day. Just so I could go back every now and then and have the satisfaction of finding it still there.
I talked to my friends right through 11:15 and 11:45. (kindergarten pick-up and drop-off times)
For the first time in 15 years, I had my very own peanut butter sandwich.
I made a doctor’s appointment without a half-hour consultation with the school schedule.
I watched a TV program and heard every word of dialogue.
I worked on a new book, undisturbed for hours at a time. Although, I must admit it took me a few days to get out of the habit of stopping every 10 minutes and yelling, “Be quiet!”
I cleaned the kitchen after breakfast and rediscovered the countertops where used glasses had been growing all summer.
The following year, not only did I figure out new ways to fill all those empty hours, I had the foresight to arrange a party. Not just any old party, mind you: a true celebration of freedom to rival Independence Day because I, and all the other mothers in the neighborhood, could finally go next door for coffee without a parade of kids trekking along
Of course, we didn’t just have coffee at this party. That would hardly benefit a gala of this magnitude. I broke out the bubbly, and we celebrated as if our lives depended on it, or at least our sanity.
One woman came up to me with tears of joy in her eyes. “Oh, I can’t tell you how good I feel. It’s like I’ve just received a new lease on life.”
Another woman joined us and clasped my hands earnestly. “It’s a miracle,” she said. “Just last week my doctor told me I was suffering from terminal sibling rivalry, and yet in a mere hour and a half this morning, I’ve been completely cured.”
My eyes misted as I hugged her and told her how very happy I was for her. Truly great and wonderful things were happening to countless women, and it made my heart swell.
There was one woman, however, who said that although she was enjoying the champagne, she really couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. She personally, wasn’t ready for the advent of another school year.
She was rushed to the nearest mental institution, where she is currently undergoing extensive psychological testing. And I do hope she has a speedy recovery.
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That’s it for me for today, folks. Whatever your plans for the rest of the week, I hope that involves lots of good times with family and friends. Be safe. Be happy. Be kind.
